CEO Mama Newsletter: 40th Edition

You can manage million-dollar budgets and coordinate complex projects, but somehow… maintaining friendships feels harder than rocket science.

Here’s what I’ve personally realized:

Bottom Line Up Front

The same efficiency mindset that makes us successful in business actively undermines friendship. Friendship requires inefficiency, vulnerability, and “wasted” time to flourish. We’ve optimized humanity out of human connection, and it’s costing us our mental health, our support systems, and our sense of self beyond motherhood and entrepreneurship.

The Text That Broke My Heart

Last month, I got a text from a friend of mine:

“I miss you. I know we keep saying we’ll get together, but it feels like it’s been forever. Are we still friends?”

We used to talk daily. We started businesses around the same time, had babies within months of each other, and used to joke that we were living parallel lives.

Somewhere between scaling companies and raising kids, our friendship became a series of canceled coffee dates and guilty “soon!” texts.

It hit me that I was grieving a friendship that didn’t die from conflict or distance but from the slow starvation of benign neglect.

And as I open up about this conversation to the other women I know, I realize that it’s not just me. We’re in the middle of a friendship recession, and successful mothers are the hardest hit.

The Friendship Crisis Nobody Talks About

The data is sobering:

• Americans report 25% fewer close friends than in 1985

• Nearly half of adults have only 1–3 close friends

• 12% report having none at all

• Working mothers show the steepest decline in friendship satisfaction of any group

Here’s what hit me hardest: research shows it takes around 200 hours of interaction to develop a close friendship. The average working mother gets 34 hours of adult social time per month including date nights, family gatherings, and work networking.

Do the math. At that rate, it takes six months of perfect conditions to build one close friendship.

The Unique Challenges for Successful Women

I’ve noticed that for entrepreneurial mothers, friendship becomes even harder because:

• Our schedules are unpredictable. It can often be zoom calls and emails slotted around nap schedules and dance recitals.

• We’re drained by the end of the day. After leading a team, serving clients, being a wife and parenting, there’s often nothing left for friends.

• Our most likely friends are equally busy. Other high-achieving moms are just as maxed out.

• We feel guilt about our success. When things are going well, we don’t want to “brag.” When they’re hard, we don’t want to burden anyone.

• We forget who we are outside of work and kids.

The Business Brain vs. The Friendship Heart

Here’s the uncomfortable truth I’ve had to face:

• Business thinking: outcome-focused, efficiency-driven, ROI-conscious

• Friendship requirements: process-focused, inefficiency-tolerant, relationship-oriented

I catch myself thinking:

• “Am I going to regret staying out late for this dinner?”

• “I’ll reply to these voice notes in a batch on Friday, I don’t want to be on my phone”

But friendship can’t be optimized. The moment you try to make it efficient, it stops being friendship.

The Neuroscience of Female Friendship

Female friendship isn’t just nice to have, it’s biologically essential.

When women connect with female friends:

• Oxytocin increases (bonding hormone)

• Cortisol decreases (stress hormone)

• Dopamine activates (pleasure pathways)

• Heart rate variability improves (better stress resilience)

The Efficiency Trap

I’ve noticed this pattern in myself:

We start treating friendships like meetings on our calendar.
We schedule them weeks out, and suddenly there’s pressure for every catch-up to be meaningful or productive.
That pressure kills spontaneity.
Then friends start to feel like another obligation on the to-do list.
So we withdraw.
And before we know it… we feel isolated.

The Reciprocity Problem

Another thing I’ve caught myself doing:

• Always being the one to initiate plans

• Listening to everyone’s problems but rarely sharing my own

• Picking up the check or hosting because “it’s just easier that way”

• Offering solutions instead of just… being there and listening

And honestly? That makes friendships feel like work. So I’ve avoided them, even though I know I need them.

The Comparison Trap

Then there’s social media. Instagram friendship looks effortless and curated: girls’ trips, coordinated outfits, perfect brunch photos.

Meanwhile, my real friendships are texts sent while hiding in the pantry from my toddler, voice notes while parked up outside a store, or half-finished conversations as we see each other in a group social situation.

But when I scroll, I catch myself thinking, I’m failing at friendship too.

Motherhood Changes Friendships

Before kids:

Shared interests, spontaneous plans, self-focused conversations

After kids:

Coordinating childcare, interrupted conversations, navigating parenting styles, clinging to identity beyond “mom”

Some friendships don’t survive that shift and the grief is real, even if it feels silly to admit.

What’s Actually Helped Me

I’ve started thinking about friendship maintenance the way I think about nervous system regulation: small, frequent touchpoints matter more than grand gestures.

Here’s what works:

• Consistency over intensity. Weekly voice notes > monthly dinner plans

• Ordinary time. Grocery runs, workouts together

• Vulnerable reciprocity. Sharing real struggles instead of just wins

• No-agenda time. Just being together, with no outcome needed

• Accepting seasons. Friendship has ebbs and flows. That’s normal.

The Practical Friendship Framework

• The “Good Enough” Standard: Friendship doesn’t have to be perfect to be nourishing

• Low-pressure contact: Quick texts, memes, voice notes between meetings

• Parallel time: Doing different things side by side, like co-working or walking

• Efficient deep connection: Skip small talk, go straight to the real stuff

• Shared labor: Meal prep together, kid playdates where you actually connect

• Permission to disappoint: Knowing you’ll miss some events, and it’s okay

The Investment That Pays Dividends

When I started prioritizing connection over optimization, I noticed:

• Business benefits: clearer decisions, more creativity, resilience during launches

• Parenting benefits: more patience, kids seeing me as a whole person

• Personal benefits: less isolation, remembering who I am beyond my roles

The Plot Twist

I texted her back:

“Yes, we’re still friends. I miss you too. Want to talk while I drive to my nail appt?”

That 20-minute call reconnected us more than months of “let’s find a date.” We stopped waiting for perfect conditions and started showing up imperfectly instead.

Your Turn: The Friendship Reality Check

This week, ask yourself:

• Who knows what I’m really going through right now?

• How often am I connecting without an agenda?

• Am I treating friendship like a meeting to be scheduled or a lifeline to be nurtured?

And text the friend you’re thinking about right now. Don’t wait for a girls’ trip or a kid-free brunch. Just say, “Hey, I miss you.”

Sometimes the most efficient thing you can do… is stop trying to be efficient.

💌P.S. If this resonated, forward it to a friend you’ve been meaning to reach out to. This might be the nudge both of you need to reconnect, no optimization required.