CEO Mama Newsletter: 38th Edition

The approval addiction: I thought my people-pleasing tendencies died in motherhood, but it turns out it’s a seemingly never ending cycle that I get to work on. Deep dive with me why this work is more important than ever, especially as mothers…

Bottom Line Up Front

People-pleasing isn’t kindness: it’s a form of emotional control designed to manage other people’s reactions and avoid discomfort. For entrepreneurial mothers, the skills that made you successful at work become maladaptive in motherhood, creating a cycle where you can’t teach your kids healthy boundaries because you’ve never learned to set them yourself.

The Success Trap

Let me tell you about Rachel, a brilliant marketing consultant who built a six-figure business by being the person who never said no. She anticipated client needs before they voiced them, responded to emails at midnight, and somehow always made everyone feel like they were her only priority.

“I was the ultimate people-pleaser,” she told me, “and it made me incredibly successful. Until I had kids.”

(I could relate, hard.)

Suddenly, the very skills that built her business were destroying her family life. She couldn’t say no to playground committee requests. She hosted every holiday because she didn’t want to disappoint family. She let her toddler’s tantrums dictate the entire family’s schedule because she couldn’t bear him being upset with her.

Rachel’s story reveals a truth most of us don’t want to face: the traits that make us successful professionally can become our kryptonite in motherhood.

The Research That Changes Everything

Here’s what the data tells us about people-pleasing and parenting:

• People-pleasers are at significantly higher risk for burnout due to inability to set boundaries
  

• 42% of working mothers report depression and/or anxiety, compared to 28% of the general population
  

• People-pleasing is linked to less present and sensitive parenting, including inconsistent discipline
  

• Children of people-pleasing parents are more likely to develop people-pleasing tendencies themselves

But here’s what stopped me cold because it rang so true: research shows people-pleasing parents struggle with boundary enforcement because they equate saying “no” with being unloving.

We’re so afraid of disappointing anyone, including our kids, that we may actually be failing them.

The Control Illusion

Let’s get uncomfortable for a moment. What if people-pleasing isn’t really about being nice?

According to Dr. Harriet Braiker, it’s “more about the desire to be in control than it is to please other people.” We’re trying to control others’ reactions to avoid our own discomfort with conflict, disappointment, or criticism.

Think about it:

When you say yes when you want to say no, who are you really protecting?
When you anticipate everyone’s needs, what are you trying to prevent?
When you avoid setting boundaries, what reaction are you trying to control?

People-pleasing is anxiety management disguised as altruism.

And in motherhood, it creates a perfect storm because:

• You can’t control your kids’ reactions (they’re learning emotional regulation)
  

• Good parenting often requires disappointing them
  

• Your people-pleasing teaches them that others’ comfort matters more than their own needs

The Generational Echo

Here’s something that will keep you up at night: most people-pleasers learned this in childhood… I know I did.

Dr. Pete Walker explains that kids often develop people-pleasing as a survival mechanism when growing up with parents who were emotionally volatile, narcissistic, or overwhelmed.

The child learns: “If I keep everyone happy, I’ll be safe and loved.”

The adult believes: “If I keep everyone happy, I’ll be worthy and accepted.”

The parent teaches: “Other people’s comfort is more important than your own needs.”

Rachel realized this when her four-year-old son started apologizing for things that weren’t his fault. “I’m sorry mommy had to drive me to school,” he said one morning. She recognized her own childhood pattern: taking responsibility for others’ inconvenience.

The Motherhood Trap

People-pleasing creates unique problems in motherhood because effective parenting often requires not pleasing people.

Examples:

• Inconsistent boundaries. You set a limit, your child pushes back, and you cave because you can’t tolerate their disappointment.
  

• Over-functioning. You do things for your kids they should do themselves because it’s easier than dealing with their frustration.
  

• Emotional enmeshment. You feel responsible for their moods, so you fix every bad feeling instead of teaching coping.
  

• Extended family dysfunction. You agree to gatherings that don’t serve your family’s needs to avoid disappointing relatives.
  

• Social pressure capitulation. You sign up for activities or playdates because other parents expect it, not because it serves your family.

The People-Pleasing Parent Profile

You might be a people-pleasing parent if:

• You find it almost impossible to say no to school volunteer requests
  

• You let your kids’ moods dictate family plans
  

• You avoid enforcing consequences because you can’t stand them being upset with you
  

• You say yes to social commitments that exhaust your family
  

• You feel guilty when you prioritize your own needs
  

• You apologize when others are inconvenienced, even if it’s not your fault
  

• You struggle to ask for help because you don’t want to burden anyone
  

• You feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions
  

• You avoid conflict even when important issues go unaddressed

Sound familiar?

The Cost of Constant Accommodation

Dr. Harriet Lerner’s research shows people-pleasing parents pay several hidden costs:

Mental health:

• Chronic stress from never expressing authentic needs
  

• Resentment buildup
  

• Decision fatigue from constantly weighing others’ reactions
  

• Loss of personal identity

Parenting effectiveness:

• Kids don’t learn healthy boundaries
  

• Kids become manipulative because emotional outbursts work
  

• Inconsistent rules confuse them
  

• Over-functioning prevents independence

Relationship quality:

• Partnerships become unbalanced
  

• Friendships lack authenticity
  

• Extended family relationships become performative
  

• Children learn conditional love (love based on behavior, not worth)

The Permission Revolution

Here’s what changed everything for Rachel: she realized saying no to others was saying yes to her family.

When she stopped volunteering for every school committee, she had energy for bedtime stories. When she set boundaries with clients, she was present at dinner. When she let her son be disappointed about screen time limits, he learned feelings are valid, but don’t change necessary boundaries.

Her breakthrough insight: you can’t teach your kids permission to disappoint others if you’ve never given yourself that same permission.

Breaking the Approval Addiction

Step 1: Awareness
Track your people-pleasing for a week. Every time you say yes when you want to say no, write it down. Notice patterns.

Step 2: The Sacred Pause
When asked for something, say: “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”

Step 3: Values Clarification
Define your top 3 family values. Use them as filters for decisions.

Step 4: Boundary Scripts
Prepare phrases like:
“I’m not able to take that on right now.”
“That doesn’t work for our family.”
“I need to pass on this opportunity.”
“Let me think about what I can reasonably commit to.”

Step 5: Disappointment Practice
Start small. Disappoint someone in a low-stakes situation. Notice the world doesn’t end. Relationships often improve when rooted in authenticity rather than performance.

Teaching Kids the Difference

The goal isn’t to raise selfish children… I think it’s to raise kids who know the difference between being considerate and being compliant.

Considerate behavior: taking turns, sharing, helping
Compliant behavior: doing things to avoid others’ negative emotions or sacrificing needs to keep others comfortable

How to model healthy boundaries:

“I understand you’re disappointed, and the answer is still no.”
“I love you and I’m not available to argue about this.”
“Other people’s feelings aren’t your responsibility to manage.”
“You can be kind without saying yes to everything.”
“It’s okay for people to be upset with your choices sometimes.”

The Ripple Effect

When Rachel started setting boundaries, something interesting happened:

• Her clients respected her more, not less.
  

• Her marriage improved because her husband could trust her authentic responses.
  

• Her kids became more resilient because they learned disappointment is survivable.

Most surprisingly, people didn’t actually need her to be available 24/7. They just needed clarity on what they could count on.

The relationships that suffered were those dependent on her over-functioning and those weren’t healthy relationships anyway.

Your Turn: The People-Pleasing Audit

This week, before saying yes to any request, ask yourself:

• Do I actually want to do this?
  

• Am I saying yes out of genuine desire or fear of disappointing someone?
  

• What would happen if I said no?
  

• What am I teaching my kids by modeling this?

Notice your body’s response:

• Does the thought of saying no create anxiety?
  

• Do you feel relief or dread when you commit to something?
  

• What does your energy level tell you about this choice?

Experiment with small nos. Decline one low-stakes request this week and observe what happens to your energy, your relationships, and your kids’ reactions.

The Plot Twist

Here’s what I’ve personally realized: when I stopped trying to please everyone, I became a better mother, partner, and friend.

Not because I became selfish but because I became honest. My relationships deepened because they were built on truth, not performance. My daughter felt more secure because she could trust my responses.

The greatest gift I can give her isn’t a mother who never disappoints her. It’s a mother who models that you can be loving and have boundaries, kind and autonomous, generous and protective of your own energy.

People-pleasing helped me survive childhood. It even helped me succeed professionally. But it isn’t serving my family now. The very child I’m trying to protect by avoiding her disappointment actually needs me to disappoint her sometimes.

That’s how she learns that love doesn’t require perfect behavior, that boundaries create safety, and that her worth isn’t dependent on anyone else’s approval.

I’m not being mean when I set limits. I’m being a parent.

👭 Where do you recognize yourself in the people-pleasing pattern? What would change if you gave yourself permission to disappoint people sometimes? Reply and let me know… I want to hear about your experiments with boundaries.

💌 Know someone who needs permission to stop managing everyone else’s emotions? Forward this to her. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let people have their own feelings.

✨ P.S. If you want to do this deep, liberating work alongside other ambitious entrepreneurial mothers, apply to join the CEO Mama Membership.
Inside, we explore boundaries, identity, and sustainable success in monthly workshops and mastermind groups that make you feel far less alone. You can apply right here.